(A quaint village. Present day. The marketplace bustles and rustles. SMIFFBANY, our heroine, is buying apples.)
SMIFF: Ah, thank you for the apples, humble Appleman, but nothing can fill the hunger of loneliness. I fear I have dated every man in our village of four people, and now I’ll never find my one true love.
(A horse whinnies. Riding in on a handsome steed is a handsomer stud. GROMBO, prince from a faraway land, enters with a rose.)
GROMBO: Did somebody say Grombo?
SMIFF: No! But, perhaps I could.
GROMBO: Fair lady, why do you eat that apple so sadly?
SMIFF: You wouldn’t be interested in the troubles of a young, beautiful woman.
GROMBO: I would!
SMIFF: I’m pregnant.
GROMBO: Have a good day.
(He leaves.)
(SMIFF weeps a frenzy of weeps. But LO! From the sunset comes in a twink like none ever seen in this age. Tis Chimothée!)
CHIM: My lady, don’t cry. He doesn’t deserve you.
SMIFF: That much seems clear, handsome little boy.
CHIM: I’m in my twenties.
SMIFF: I said what I said.(Chim goes to comfort but stubs the sharpest stub you’ve ever stubbed on a nasty stubbing rock.)
CHIM: OW!
SMIFF: Not the Stubbing rock! You’ve loosed the sacred rock from its really dangerous hold in the middle of the street
(She helps him to the doctor.)
SMIFF: I’ll check back with you later, go seek the medicine man.
(GROMBO, having overheard that he’s not worthy, turns right around on priniciple, and comes back with a new different flower.)
GROMBO: Ah, Lady, I was just getting you a new flower, and you’re talking to another man. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve wildly and irrationally jealous.
SMIFF: My name is Smiffbany.
GROMBO: Of course, Lady.
SMIFF: What kind of flower you got?
GROMBO: Um, what kinds do you like?
SMIFF: Volcanic irises, the rarest in the kingdom.
GROMBO: Um, yeah. This is one, but it looks different because it’s out of season. But here. I know you love them.
She is visibly impressed.
GROMBO: I was en route to feed my horse a stiff drink of water. Would you show this traveler to the well?
SMIFF: Of course, I know the way. It’s upstage right.
(They head to the well.)